Taking the Time to Self Reflect

Introspection is an ever-occurring cycle

It's been almost two full months since my last post. Since then, I moved in with my boyfriend, which meant trading the comfort of living with my parents for the daunting adult world of furniture shopping, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, raising a cat. It's not like this is the first time I've been away from home, but something about living in an apartment in Brooklyn with your significant other just feels very... permanent.

These past couple of months have been full of self-discovery, but if you've followed The Fall from Grace since its inception, you know that self-discovery is always happening in my life. Learning how to "do the thing" is a regular occurrence.

Since my last post, I've graduated virtually, started my first full-time job (also virtually), and adopted a beautiful cat named Leesa. 2020 is nothing like what I planned, but I can't say it's "canceled" in my book. 2020 has thus far taught me a lot about myself, including helping me realign my values, embrace ever-present grit, and the importance of looking at the big picture when shit hits the fan.

I can't say the journey of self-discovery is one that I've done on my own. And that's important for all of us to recognize. How can we learn about ourselves if we're the only ones looking at ourselves? To explain, I learned a lot about myself from my boyfriend, Artem. I used to think of myself as very independent, introverted, strong about everything, and level-headed. Oi. He helped me realize that I actually love having and being around friends and people in general. I am in fact pretty extroverted, but I usually need a little nudge (cough, alcohol, cough) to gather the courage to admit it. I'm also really ~soft~ but most people knew that, too apparently. :/ And also? I'm pretty impulsive, but I act like I'm not.

Artem has pushed me to ride a Citi Bike from Manhattan to Brooklyn in a skirt and heels, go night-swimming in a lake, strip down to my undergarments to swim in the ocean (also at night) and pick up playing volleyball again. I was admittedly scared and/or shy about doing all of those things, but they've made me incredibly happy and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. He has revealed the adventurous part of my personality that would have never come out had I stayed in my safe haven of home.

I discovered that, as much as I crave adventure, I need stability in my life too. Until work started, I felt my mental health ~declining~ with no income or daily purpose. Hence why the blog posts also paused. Now that work is back, I feel the purpose coming back. I've done work that I would have been scared to do alone but trusting myself and my abilities have made me a better employee. I have gotten involved in a project to support BIPOC employees in my company--something I felt I had to do after educating myself on racism and its perpetuation in everyday life and systems.

Self-discovery has taught me that, as MUCH as I want to be, I am so far from perfect. I am pretty rough around the edges, a bit of a control freak, and a stickler for proving a point. But hey, I would not say that if I was not making a conscious effort to fix it. I have a goal for this summer, one I thought of impulsively while I peppered on the beach with Artem:

To be an optimistic, honest, hard-working skinny legend.

(Note that I was doing a bad job in this workout because I was out of shape, so that's where "skinny legend" came from).

Being optimistic in the middle of a pandemic when you're expected to work remotely through the end of the year is not an easy task. Being honest with your significant other when things bother you because you're used to bottling everything up from your past is also not an easy task. And working out regularly when you're new to an area and you love ice cream is also not an easy task! But if my journey of self-discovery has taught me anything, it's that doing something I want to do is not out of reach.

This isn't to say I will always be optimistic, honest, and hardworking. Some days I want to curl up in bed and watch the Twilight series again from "You're like my own personal brand of heroin" to "You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster?" (if you know what all that meant, you go fellow Twi-hard). But it's all a conscious effort.

Self-discovery is something that takes time. I started by counting my blessings. I am blessed to have a job out of graduation in today's job market. I am blessed to have a healthy family who loves and supports me. I am blessed to have a significant other who loves and appreciates me for me. I am blessed to have a cat who I can support. And I am blessed to be here, alive and happy and healthy and funny. ;)

If you've read this far, thank you for bearing with my rusty writing skills. I hope you have also learned something about yourself in the past few months. Maybe one thing, or two, or you've rehauled your whole personality. I bid us both good fortune.

-Grace